With many situations that occur in life, we have some experience; nearly everyone knows what it is like to go through a painful break-up, or to be made redundant from a job. In these situations we can offer advice and comfort based on our own experience, or that of people we have known.
It is challenging, however, to be close up to someone who is dying, particularly if that process takes a long while. Some people are not faced with the death of someone close to them until quite late in life. For others, this can occur even as a child.
I recall when I was working in a school library; it was the first day of the school year and all the new students were looking a little uncomfortable on their first day in a very large school. At recess, a boy came into the library looking lost. When I asked what was wrong, he said he couldn’t find his friend, who was starting with him that day at the High School. It wasn’t until the next day that I discovered his friend had died in a road accident, on the way to his new school. I still remember many conversations that boy and I had over the next few months.
To be there for someone who has been important in your life as they approach death can be very difficult; we are not taught how to do it. I have now experienced the death of several people who were very dear to me, and what I have learnt is that we need to be guided by them.
A man I worked with for many years knew he was dying of cancer and he asked me to “stick around” as he suspected many friends wouldn’t. In fact a mutual friend of ours chose not to visit him in hospital because he wanted to remember him “as he used to be”. I know this hurt my friend deeply. The mutual friend probably found the situation too confronting.
One of the difficulties we face is that people differ in how they want to approach their own death. There is a saying “People die as they have lived” and I have found this to be true. A friend of mine, a very social and outgoing person, wanted the company of her friends and family right up to the day she died. On the other hand a cousin who died in her fifties chose to retreat, to narrow down her contact with others, and to spend her remaining days with her husband and children. There is no right or wrong way. We are all different.
To be the best support we can, we need to find out what the person who is dying would like from us – is it frequent or occasional visits, regular phone calls, or even, as in the case of my colleague, to be read to. Some people make the mistake of staying for too long when they visit and this may be exhausting for the person who is ill.
The most important piece of advice I can give is that we must be brave so that we can support and comfort our loved ones at this significant time. And sometimes we don’t need to say too much – just being there is enough.
