Money is often a source of conflict in marriage. Where a couple is struggling financially this is hardly surprising,
but sometimes, even when a couple is financially secure, money is the cause of a lot of argument and discontent.
Sometimes there is great disparity – one partner comes into the relationship with a lot more money or just one
partner has an income.
When working with a new couple counsellors often explore early childhood and teenage experience, as well as
addressing their current relationship difficulties. Where money is concerned it is important to understand how
each partner’s family handled money. Did the parents both come from comfortable backgrounds? Was a lack of
money a problem?
The example of, ‘Phil’ and ‘Meg’ (not their real names) who sought counselling illustrates how the counselling process might work. ‘Phil’ and ‘Meg’ were both strong-willed individuals, volatile at times, and this interaction spilled over into counselling sessions on occasions.
Their greatest source of conflict was money. The counsellor decided it would be important to explore how money issues were addressed in their families.
Phil came from a comfortable background and both his parents were generous with money; growing up he could
ask either parent for money and it was always given to him. He was accustomed to buying whatever he wanted –
sporting equipment, the latest technology and expensive cars. He was annoyed if Meg criticised his spending.
When Meg was young her father was a very successful businessman who ran his own business with two
partners. When she was about ten years old, her father suffered from depression for a long period and his
business suffered. One of the partners mismanaged the affairs of the business and Meg’s father was subsequently
declared bankrupt. Since that time, Meg had felt anxious about money. She resented Phil’s rather laid-back
attitude to money, and his extravagant hobbies. She wanted them to save whatever money they could for their
Once both people’s early experience was explored, they were able to put themselves in the other’s shoes and to
feel for their partner. As Meg reflected on her father’s financial collapse, she got in touch with the anxiety and
upset of those years; her parents’ marriage had suffered at that time. Phil began to understand Meg better: she
wasn’t attempting to control him but was acting out of the anxiety she felt, which was linked to her past
If money is a source of conflict in your relationship, you are not alone. It is one of the most common areas of
tension for many couples. See if together you can find out about one another’s emotional response to money
issues. How did your parents handle money? Was it a source of tension? Take it in turns to “interview” your
partner about money. There is probably a lot you do not know about one another in terms of money issues.
At first, asking your partner about their early experience with their family may feel strange and awkward, but
getting to know your partner better in the areas where you come into conflict will enable you to resolve issues
more easily and will also enrich your relationship.
For more about Conflict click here
